The Rules of Swingers Club Etiquette
Are you familiar with the word ‘swinger’? If not, we can give you some ideas about the useof the word, what it means and the ethos behind it. The dictionary defines a swinger as one who engages in spousal swapping for sex—or words to that effect—and it indicates promiscuity. However, in the communities that indulge in this type of sex play there is a very deep level of respect and dignity. Swinging is not about promiscuity, nor is it about carelessly using others for sexual favors. Swinging is more about permissive sex with consenting adults who agree to play together for fun and non-committal sex.
The old term ‘wife swapping’ is still used but really speaking is pretty out of date. What it should be called, if we want to get politically correct about the whole thing, is spousal sharing or couple swapping, because it’s not always the ‘wives’ that get to swap.
So, explain etiquette?
There are quite a few rules that apply here, both to online and offline situations. When you join an online swingers group the first rules of play is that you introduce yourself politely before you jump in there. For instance, leave a message to the whole group explaining who you are and who your partner is. This tells the group that you are well-mannered and engaged in the protocol and behavior.
There is a stark difference in the chivalrous customs of the BDSM, Swinging, Fetish and play communities compared with many real life situations. As an idea, let’s suppose you are a woman who goes to a bar for a drink. You are not there to flirt, pick up a partner or get ‘lucky’; you just want a quiet drink. Within five minutes of sitting at the bar you are hounded by two or three guys all wanting to buy you a drink. Many wouldn’t take no for an answer and you might find yourself in a sticky situation if you are accused of being a tease. Now, the difference with the swing and play community is that no really does mean no.
Whether that bar scenario is real or not, no man would push himself onto someone without express permission. They would understand that if a potential partner said ‘no thank you’ they would smile and walk away. They wouldn’t feel slighted because they had a fragile ego and got all butt hurt. They would simply move onto another option and leave in peace. That is how most people think the world should be. They wish that the behavior and manners of the swinging and BDSM community would translate to every person, regardless of their fetishes or beliefs.
Etiquette is the simple understanding of manners and proper behavior, coupled with respect and dignity. As with many online communities they rules apply to all. Never ‘touch’ without explicit permission from the person or their spouse. Again, back at the bar you might want to dance and some guy just comes up and starts putting his hands all over you. In the Swinging world he wouldn’t do that and if he did, he would be scolded for it.
There are standards!
How about Offline?
Offline the rules are the same, if not a little more strict. After all, we are dealing with real people and not characters, here. Never be disrespectful to the spouse of a potential partner. If you are looking to join with a couple you must be polite to both and engage with both in order to create a rapport. You can’t just approach the husband or the wife—or any other denomination thereof—and expect them to be happy about you only recognizing one member of the pair, so be respectful.
Being pushy doesn’t work either. If you are feeling insecure because people are turning you down, don’t come across as needy or pushy to anyone. It will get you more ‘no’s’ than you ever dreamed. It will also be a turn-off to any future encounters with that person, so never make anyone feel bad for saying no. The same rule applies if you are the one propositioned and you don’t feel that it’s a good match. Just say a polite ‘no thank you’ and smile.
So far, we have covered public parties, but what if you are in someone’s home? Swingers often throw their own private—invitation only—parties and if you are invited you must find out about their own etiquette levels and learn them before you attend their party. Some rules are simple; respect their home, clean up after yourself, don’t go where you are asked not to and always be polite.
I have a Partner I am taking with me…
- You and your partner should always discuss your own personal guidelines before you go to a swinging party anywhere. Always arrive with one another and leave with one another and always give your partner more attention than anyone else. Being kind and sensitive with your partner helps them to not feel awkward or insecure.
- Talk about how far you will go with others as a couple and as singles. You might choose to split off during the evening and go with other swingers. Make sure you are both agreeable to this, otherwise it could cause tension.
- Discretion is the name of the game with swingers. No one wants to meet a work colleague at a swing party only to have them high five you at the office the next day and shout it out to everyone. Please be sensitive to people’s lifestyle and do not reveal their secrets.
- Don’t forget to use protection when you engage with other people. Not only do you want to avoid unwanted pregnancies but also STD’s. Always wear a condom or, if you are a woman, insist that your male partner wears one.
- Avoid voyeurism unless it is encouraged. Most sex clubs have some kind of voyeur options, but not all of them. Before you engage in watching others find out what the sexclub or swingers’ party rules are.
- Be mindful of body language. Swingers often seem flirty but they might just be being polite and friendly, so be careful not to respond in an inappropriate manner if you don’t read the signs rights. At the same time, make sure you don’t make others feel uncomfortable with foul or inappropriate language, both verbal and bodily.
- Check out SwapFinder if you want to find a third party to ‘play’ with. It’s a free site and it only takes a couple of minutes to sign up and you could find the swinger of your dreams!
These are all a starting point for newbies to observe. If you are new to swinging, have never indulged or are thinking about it, you will find a very friendly community of people who are like-minded and willing to share knowledge. Always be polite and respectful and you will do just fine.